Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Heyyyy there!

I was only planning on stopping by for a hot minute to post a pic of my crazy stage makeup for our ballet number, but I started to reflect on where I was this time last year instead and thought I'd share my thought process here with you.  :)

Yesterday was our dress rehearsal, and tonight is our first performance!  I was so prepared for this week to be psycho and hectic and scary, but it has been the complete opposite this year!

Tech rehearsals Tuesday & Wednesday were fine.  No nerves, no major sense of urgency or anxiety.  I found myself completely exhausted Tuesday, but both numbers I rehearsed that day were the most physically intense and we ran each number 3-4 times each.  That's just exhausting no matter how you look at it!  Either way, it went very well and I felt good about both nights as I left the theater.  Here's how I felt last year:

Tuesday and Wednesday were our tech rehearsals.  No costumes, only marking it out and running through a few times on stage.  Ballet, Lyrical, and the opening number were fine for me, but pointe was a different story.  Pointe was the last rehearsal on Wednesday night, and it was just a disaster for me.  I tripped, I fell off of pointe, I had no balance, and I wanted to throw up the whole time. 
I didn't expect this reaction, but as sat waiting for pointe to be called, I think I just psyched the hell out of myself.  We did the number three times in a row, and it was exhausting and terrifying.  Being new back to pointe just this year, I was worried that I'd be judged by other teachers or students for messing up.  And then I messed up, a lot.  I left the rehearsal with some composure, but I cried as soon as I got into my car.  I felt defeated. 

I'm so glad I didn't have the same experience this year.

Dress rehearsal was great.  The whole thing went off without a hitch, other than a fall-down oops in our pointe number (but not me this time!!) and she's totally fine.  Eschappes directly over a big crack in the wooden stage is kind of a bummer, it totally caught her shoe and she went down.

No anxiety during dress rehearsal either, which again is such a dramatic change from last year.  I freaked myself out so bad during tech & dress that I made a lot of mistakes.  Only a few minor mistakes due to a calf cramp in our pointe routine, and I couldn't hold my arabesque promenade the whole time, had to set my foot down.  Here's how I felt last year:

Thursday was dress rehearsal and I was a nervous wreck.  I went out on stage and wobbled and did most of it on half toe, and was disappointed with my performance.  In regular ballet class I made some mistakes, mostly balance issues.  Those stage lights can really mess with you if you look right into them, and my ballet class faced the wings several times, so you were totally blinded by the lights.

I think the difference between this year and last has several factors.

1. Age-- Last year I was very fixated on the fact that I was 10 years older than everyone and stuck out like a sore thumb due to my height.  This year, I really couldn't care less.  I'm doing what I love to do, and I've put a lot of time and money in to dance, and I deserve to perform like anyone else.
   
2. Self consciousness-- I was very worried last year that other teachers and students would be laughing at my sad attempts at ballet.  I now know that wasn't true, or at least nobody did it to my face.  I also don't care if someone IS laughing at me.  I've been laughed at my whole life, it really doesn't bother me much anymore.  I will perform to the best of my ability, which I am happy to say is much improved over last year.
   
3. Pointe fears-- I was TERRIFIED to perform on pointe last year, my first year back to ballet & dance in general.  I now have great shoes that fit me well, and I'm very confident in our number this year.  During dress I was able to really PERFORM the piece, not just a plastered on smile as I breathed through my teeth in total terror.
   
4. Confidence-- I know from last year, that the second I step foot on stage in front of an audience in full makeup and costume, a switch inside me flips on.  I still don't know where it came from, but I know it's in there.  Stage Lindsay is a whole different animal than rehearsal Lindsay, and this year my numbers have a wide range of emotion.  Rage (Hunger Games- Modern), Seriousness (Chinese Checkers- Ballet), Fear and sadness (The Hobbit- Lyrical), and Sass (Pointe).  They all came out during dress yesterday and I found I really enjoyed it.  

I probably should have waited a year or two to perform on pointe after taking classes regularly, but I'm very thankful for the opportunity to perform last year.  It taught me so much about myself and what I'm capable of.  It can only get better from there!  

I'll leave you with a photo of my very creepy ballet makeup:

Yeah, that's RED eyeshadow.  The lips are fun though.  :)

I am so excited to perform tonight in front of my family.  SUPER HAPPY DANCING, Y'ALL.  

-RB