Inspiration

It's a little sad that I love ballet so much, and I don't really have a favorite ballerina.  I honestly haven't followed the world of professional ballet, aside from watching Breaking Pointe.  Dance is a love that I've had my whole life, it's just been bubbling under the surface for awhile, waiting for its turn.  I always watched the dance shows and documentaries.  Actually SYTYCD and Dance Moms inspired me to return to ballet!  Now that I've broken through the barriers I fought last season, I can really allow myself to learn and let go a little bit.

There are times though when I'm self conscious during class.  Sometimes in ballet I get this weird urge to not do as well as I can.  Like if I do well, it'll be perceived by others that I'm trying to show off or something.  9 times out of 10, my desire to improve trumps that feeling, but it's still a little unnerving to get that feeling during class.  It's absurd, really.  

I do have a natural stage presence in me that comes out in rehearsal from time to time, and I'm very tall with nice extensions and pretty good flexibility.  I've got a certain hang time to my dancing on a good day.  My legs are super long and I know when I do execute a movement correctly, it can draw the eye just because my movements are larger than most.  As a kid my family always told me to stand tall and be proud of my height.  Sometimes it's just hard to do, especially when I'm on pointe and like 6'6.  

So I try really hard.  In ballet I stand tall and lifted and attempt precision.  Sometimes I psyche myself out and make stupid mistakes, and then feel even worse.  Other times, I know when I'm doing something right, or a combination just clicks.  The body is like a coiled spring in ballet!  Attempting to look light and airy, when really your muscles are going crazy as they attempt to make you look graceful and beautiful.  Suddenly, ballet ends, and a day later comes Contemporary/Modern.  I need to uncoil the spring and let loose, and it's not a natural thing for me.  Sometimes when I'm finding that I'm struggling with something I'll go on youtube and search for videos to use as inspiration.

I did so right before contemporary class on Thursday night, and I ended up pulling inspiration from Melanie Moore, from SYTYCD.  She's an amazing contemporary dancer.  Every single time her body moves, every movement has a fullness and a quality to it that is just insane.  Every single independent movement of each of her limbs is done with such intention.  Here is a video of her audition for the show, it's amazing:

I missed class the week, before, it was the day my Grandpa died.  I didn't go to class that night, although in hindsight it would have been good for me to go.  The director told me that she had choreographed a combination specifically for me, because I've been having trouble rapidly changing my emotions from happy/light to heavy/sad.  She wrote this dark piece so I could practice letting go.   

She chose "Heavy In Your Arms" by Florence and the Machine.  It was a really fitting mood considering the week I'd had, and I threw away everything and just let the song flow through me.  It felt like I was able to get past my apprehensions with the idea of letting go.  

The whole class was an entirely different kind of challenging.  I find my hips, core, and lower body to be really sore (the good kind) after that rehearsal.  The 50 stag jumps in a row probably have a lot to do with that pain, but I'll take it.  My shoulders and arms are pretty sore too, lots of floor work. 

In reality the majority of my existence in my dance-less period was filled with heavy and sadness.  It was a very long series of terribly unfortunate events.  I have other blogs detailing those times, and I haven't really touched on them here.

The most poignant moment, I found myself pregnant after being assaulted.  I ended up carrying my daughter to term, and then I placed her for adoption.  I was in the exact situation that so many political debates heavily lean on, and it was by far the worst thing that I've ever had to experience.  I found a wonderful family to adopt my daughter, whom I love with all of my heart.  Her absence in my life leaves an open wound in my heart and soul that I know will never fully heal.  My daughter is almost 7 years old, and I am lucky enough to see regular updates and pictures of her-- she looks exactly like me, which is scary.

Dance is so many things to me.  It's stability and precision, emotion and passion, discipline and creativity.  Dance can be an outlet for every emotion that exists, but it's easy to get caught up in one aspect of it.  In the first year, I was so obsessed with my pointe shoes, and so caught in the discipline, stability and precision that I forgot to let in the emotion.  Class on Thursday was the kind that helps sew up a broken heart.  An outlet for creativity and passion and anger.  It's different this year on so many levels.

I'm happy to report that I'm in a good place and have made some peace with my past.  I will always love my daughter, and hope that she decides to come and find me when she's old enough.  I now have a stable income, a much more happy job working from home, my stress is at an all time low, it's really good.  

I just might need to soak up inspiration before every class from now on, it really helped remind me what dance is to me.  I'm happy things might be looking up with Contemporary and dance in general.  

Thanks for reading, and Happy Dancing!